The first step on the bridge is bereavement. I strive to be gentle with myself and grieve the loss of my husband. There are so many reminders that he was in the middle of life when the cancer struck him down. I looked for the key fob to start the Prius, one of those details that we forgot to discuss. One fob had a dead battery, which he had thrown in a drawer. After two days of searching I finally locate the active fob in his vest pocket. Attached to it was his Spacelab I.D. tag and a key to the front door. Of course the car did not start; hybrids use a small battery to start the bigger battery, which provides the power to the car. His laundry bag overflowing with dirty dress shirts, sits in the corner of the closet ready to be taken to the laundry. I think about organizing his clothes for charity, but it is too painful, so I close the closet. Another day, I think to myself.
Today was my first venture into capturing bits of my old life. I taught my class at the University. The students were so sweet; I received many hugs and the students give me a glassybaby candleholder and a card. So sweet! One of my colleagues brought me spaghetti sauce and noodles. So many friends have cooked and cleaned for my family and friends.
Talking is difficult. I do not have any words. I shake my head still trying to wrap my mind around what has happened. I run the details of the last month over and over in my mind. March 21 we go for the PET scan, and he is admitted to the hospital where we spend the next 11 nights; one week home; back to the ER and ICU then home hospice. So fast; so fast…
His energy is everywhere, he is there and he is not there. His body was cremated today. I was not really keeping track of when that was to happen and I was a little shocked when the funeral home called to refresh my memory. Did I have any questions? The voice on the other end asked. “What do other people want to know?” I asked. He told me the questions. The answers: 1) it usually takes 2-4 hours; 2) the remains usually take a few days to get to you.
I hung up and starred out of the living room window. Earth Day, ironic; he was so into nature and liked the idea that his DNA would be returned back to the earth.
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My friend, I feel my heart resonate with your grief and the trauma from your loss. Continue to be gentle with yourself, reclaim your life and remember your husband fully as time allows. Love to you.
I am so sorry. I did not know that this had happened. I feel for you. Your blog brought back memories. You write so beautifully…….thank you for that. Those privileged to read it will have a greater understanding of so many things
I waited 6 weeks then, I collected all the items and either gave them to my children or sent to charity. That process aided in part of my healing
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” – Rumi